One of the biggest challenges I have faced as I have gone through this tragedy has been the loss of my identity. For many years growing up my identity had been about success at work and my professional growth. I have always had a very strong work ethic, something I got from my parents. When I started at Tillys, it was just a high school job, but as the success and promotions kept coming, the high school job turned into a career. After 3 years in the stores, I was promoted to the corporate office in 2001 and have been there ever since, coming up on 25 years with the company. Right or wrong, my career was defined by my success or my job title. It wasn’t until I met Sonja that I realized that there is a whole other world outside the Tillys bubble.
As our relationship grew, I went from being her boyfriend to being her fiancé, and finally becoming her husband, and a father as well. My capacity for love at that point in our lives was infinitely increased as I now had my own family like I always wanted. I was no longer defined by my work, I was defined by my role as a husband, and as a father. I was immensely happier than I had ever been in my life and all those things you hear about how life is supposed to go clicked and I understood what life was really about.
When we got married in 2016, Sonja, Paige, and Jolie moved from their home in Eastvale, CA into our new rental home in Aliso Viejo, CA. Over time, Paige would move into her own apartment, leaving Sonja, Jolie, and me in our home. The home was filled with laughter, love, and all the thing life is really about. That all changed when Sonja was diagnosed with breast cancer in January 2021.
Sonja lost her courageous battle against breast cancer, passing away September 6th, 2021. The day my whole world exploded leaving nothing behind but carnage. Per Sonja’s will, Jolie would go live with Paige and her husband, leaving me alone in a house without my wife or my children. It all happened in the blink of an eye, and I longed for what I once had knowing that it was gone for good.
One of things people say to me often “is when will the old Brett come back?” It’s really mind boggling because the answer to that question is NEVER. The old me is gone for good, the person who was a husband and a father is now sitting in an empty house just trying to breathe. My identity, the identity it took me years to find was now missing. I still struggle to come to terms with it and I don’t know who I am anymore. I’m not a husband, I’m not even really a father, so who am I? I don’t know if I will ever really be able to answer that question.
I buried my wife on our 5-year wedding anniversary, and I have never felt more lost than I did on that day. I was without my best friend, without my love, without my partner, without my wife. I will forever be Sonja’s husband in my heart, but in the real world I am just Brett, whoever that is.