After going through a tragedy, people around you offer normal platitudes because they feel they have to say something to you. The fact is there are no words for losing someone you love, whether it’s a parent, a child, a sibling, or a spouse. But, when people see you after the loss, they have it ingrained in their heads that they need to say something to you or will create an awkward silence that they believe is disrespectful. So instead, they try to fill that silence with platitudes like:
He/She is in a better place
Things will get better
Thoughts and prayers
It will get easier
You just need to give it time
This is God’s plan
You will find someone
You will Love again
You will always have your memories
I understand what you’re going through
I get it
I’ll admit that in the past, prior to my own tragedy, I offered these same platitudes to others who experienced loss. Now I know better and am slightly ashamed by my actions of the past, because the truth is we have no idea what the loss was like to the other person. Let’s look at the platitudes again, this time with my reaction to them:
He/She is in a better place – No, the best place for her is with me
Things will get better – Really? How do you know?
Thoughts and prayers – Uh thanks, I guess? The prayers were needed before she died
It will get easier – Will it? And you know this how?
You just need to give it time – F%&k your time
This is God’s plan – Well, it’s a pretty shi%&y plan if you ask me
You will find someone – I already found someone, why do it again?
You will Love again – not like this I won’t
You will always have your memories – Serisously? I liked real life better
I understand what you’re going through – You can’t possibly. Did you lose your spouse and entire family structure too? Oh, you didn’t so thanks but no thanks
I get it – No, you really don’t and telling me you do is so dismissive of what I’m going through its quite possibly the rudest thing you could say.
See the honest truth is that we would rather you didn’t say anything at all. Its ok to have those awkward silences even if the people speaking to you don’t think so. I would rather you said nothing to me as opposed to trying to understand something you can’t possibly understand or even worse trying to make a comparison as to some loss of yours and comparing it to my loss – they don’t compare and trying to say they do just makes you sound stupid.
Fun story, a couple months after my wife Sonja died, I was introduced to someone whom neither I nor my wife had ever met, I tried to be a cheery as possible, put on the fake smile and said it was nice to mee them. Afterwards, as this person was walking away, I heard her say to another person with her “he doesn’t seem that upset, were they having marriage problems?” In that 30 second introduction, because I had a fake smile on and acted interested in meeting this person, they diagnosed that I was in fact NOT upset or depressed and it must be because my marriage was bad. I was speechless, but this is an example of how people, even people coming from a good place, can misdiagnose a situation and infer things by what was shared.